WESTERN BEATRICE CLOVORT ADVISORY

WESTERN BEATRICE CLOVORT ADVISORY

WESTERN BEATRICE CLOVORT ADVISORY

For immediate release by the Office of Clovort Reduccion:

A clovort’s mouth is a dirty thing.  It is best to keep all digits and appendages clear of its gray lips.  On the rare occasion you discover an intelligent clovort, do not engage it in conversation.  They are manipulative, and you might find yourself asking the clovort to taste you. In reply, the clovort will nod sheepishly and respond with, “All right. If you insist.”

If you spot a clovort while walking through the woods, do not stretch out your arms and make hooting noises to scare it away. This will not work.  Do not tap the clovort on the nose.  Do not urinate, fall to the ground and curl into a ball, stare it straight in the eye or turn around and run. All of these things will only make you more appetizing.  The best course of action is to roll yourself in milk and pray the clovort is lactose intolerant.

If possible, and if not at risk to your physical intactness, tag the clovort with a personalized beacon dart.  Then, when you visit the Office of Clovort Reduccion to file a complaint of clovort harassment, we will know whom to give credit to once we have captured the beast.

Any citizen caught using a clovort for manual labor will be punished severely.  Given the relative girth of the clovort—usually six hundred pounds and eight feet tall—this prospect may tempt farmers.  These beasts are exceptional at pulling ox carts and plowing the fields. However, farming jobs should be awarded to law-abiding citizens and not abominations of God.

Your elected officials are working tirelessly to rid Western Beatrice of this infestation. Despite our best intentions, we are constantly affronted by attacks from Clovort Right’s groups. Rest assured, King Perlezod and the Office of Clovort Reduccion will prevail. We count on your efforts to eradicate this abomination and create a clovort-free society for you, your children and your children’s children.

The Office thanks you for your cooperation.


In August 2010 the clovort threat to personal liberty will escalate as Lyrical Press releases Rogue’s Curse. Until then, lock your doors.