Posted by jbeymer on Aug 11, 2010 in Uncategorized
Keywords: Clarinet, Wrestling, Eskimo
There’s an Eskimo under my bed. No, don’t peek; he hates that. Every night I put on my jammies then lull him to sleep with my clarinet (“Ode to Joy” — he loves that one). Mommy thinks I’m practicing for music class. Sometimes I hear him sobbing; he misses the taste of baby seal. Well, I’ve never seen one at school or on my paper route, and my encyclopedia says they’re slippery. The idea of wrestling one? Gross. Yesterday I fed him tuna and said it was baby seal. But he knew the difference. I mean, come on, he’s an Eskimo.
Preview for tomorrow: Counterfeit, Frog, Dirigible
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Posted by jbeymer on Aug 11, 2010 in Uncategorized
I guest-blogged at Lyrical Press today.
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Posted by jbeymer on Aug 10, 2010 in Uncategorized
Keywords: Bagel, Optometrist, District
Life sucks. One minute you’re fleeing the Hand of God, the next you’re a pillar of salt. I’d turned to check out the fun bags on Lot’s wife, caught a glimpse of the city and Bam! Salt. Now the wind blows through the woman’s salted face; It takes her nose and eyes until her head looks like a bagel. I think they were siblings, but I don’t judge. I’m from Sodom after all; middle-class district. Optometrist, married to three goats, a horse named Wilma, a de-toothed camel and— Uh-oh. Stay away from me Wilma. Stop licking your lips. Crap. Life sucks.
Keyword Preview for Tomorrow: Clarinet, Wrestling, Eskimo
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Posted by jbeymer on Aug 9, 2010 in Uncategorized
Keywords: Marmalade, Potent, Hypnotic
No, I’m not spoiling her. It’s called love. It’s not like your kid is any… Okay, yes, my pooky gets frisky with her pet humans. She named the first one Marmalade. Fitting since it went splat underneath my shoe. The second one lasted longer (thank goodness, considering what they cost), then it fell into some potent corn liquor, buoyed about in a hypnotic stupor, and pop! its bladder burst. I made pooky clean up the— Oh, piss off! She told me about your little monster… biting the heads off her humans; making them have sex with each other. That’s just sick.
Keyword Preview for Tomorrow: Bagel, Optometrist, District
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Posted by jbeymer on Aug 8, 2010 in Uncategorized
Keywords: Fungus, Pencil, Brazilian
“Uh, no I wasn’t.”
“Yes, you were. It’s pretty obvious.”
“They were brought in like that.”
“With their sheets off? And why just the pretty ones? Why not Mrs. Pencil in the Eye, Miss Botched Autopsy, or Miss Dragged from the Lake fungus thighs?”
“Here, check out this toe tag.”
“On Miss Brazilian bikini wax?”
“Yeah. It says ‘Please take my sheet off.'”
“That’s written in black ink.”
“Uh-huh.”
“It’s fresh black ink.”
“So?”
“You have black ink on your hand.”
“Your point?”
“And you’re not wearing pants.”
“I’m…um…I’m Union.”
“Oh. Union?”
“Yep. Union.”
“So how are the dues?”
“Can’t complain.”
Keyword preview for tomorrow: Marmalade, Potent, Hypnotic
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