Eggs on the bottom, please

Posted by on Mar 4, 2006 in Uncategorized

My weekly jaunt to the Grocery store occurs on Friday mornings. Kiss the wife goodbye as she leaves for work, drink a cup of coffee, and I’m ready to go. I grab the kid, throw her in the car seat, jam a few Cheerios in her mouth and hit the road.

When I get to the supermarket, I grab the most functional cart I can find. This is no easy task. Most off them look like they were parked in front of a house during a drive by shooting. Eventually, I find a cart, throw the kid in and head inside.

Okay. time to pull out my Grocery List. One dozen eggs. No problem. Pick up the first carton and get yolk on my hand. Set that one aside. Pick up the next carton – hmm, six broken eggs. Okay, grab the next one…date on the carton is last Tuesday. Another – 6 broken eggs. 6+6 = a Dozen, right? Okay. I Frankenstein together a carton with 12 good eggs that didn’t expire last Tuesday. Perfect.

Onto the milk…first one I grab expires three days from now. So all of a sudden I’m that schmuck on the floor in the middle of the aisle – the guy pulling carton after carton of milk out trying to find one container that doesn’t turn sour in 3 days. I find it all the way in the back where I can see into the Storage Room. Some douchebag is sitting on the other side of the fridge smoking a cigarette. He gives me a nod. Thanks for the help, dude.

Next, I stroll up the Baking aisle to get some flour, corn meal and sugar. Make sure I flirt with the hot mom buying seasoning. Say something cool: “That tastes great in a Burgundy sauce.” Oh yeah. Still got it.

Grab some beer. Same hot mom that was giving me the “Eye” back in the baking section just shook her head and walked away. Hmm. Guess she saw me put the Hamms 24-pack in the cart next to the kid.

Finally I’ve filled the cart with a week’s worth of groceries and it’s time to check out. This is where the fun begins. I get all the individual items onto the conveyer belt. Above the cashier is a sign that reads: “If I fail to 1) Greet you, 2) Offer you today’s special or 3) Offer you help getting the groceries to your car, then please inform the manager and you will receive a free loaf of Garlic Bread.”

It might was well have the words “Please excuse our cashiers. They are mentally challenged.” written on it.

Okay, every week I test them on these 3 simple courtesies. They are running at about a 75% success rate.

1) Greet me – “(Mumble mumble) or plastic (incoherent sound)?” In the middle of the greeting, one of the pimples on his face bursts. I guess that’s a greeting. Strike One. Two more strikes and no garlic bread.

2) Offer me today’s Special – (Mumbling under breath) “Today we are offering these celery flavored toothpicks for $2.99 a box.” Honestly, it was such an uninspired delivery that I don’t remember what the product was. Before I can open my mouth to respond, he gives me the total amount due and asks how I would like to pay. Still, he did offer me the toothpicks. The fact that he didn’t actually intend to sell them is irrelevant. Strike Two.

3) Ask me if I need help getting the groceries to my car – All of the plastic bags are piled in my cart and my purchase is complete. This is the part of the experience I call the “Egg Hunt.” It’s similar to an Easter Egg hunt, only a lot less rewarding. Chances are, if I wasn’t watching closely, the bagger put the eggs on the bottom of the cart and piled all the groceries on top of them. While I am searching, the checker mumbles “Would you like some help out to your car, sir?” Searching feverishly, I turn to ask him where the hell my eggs are only to find that he’s already ringing up the next customer. Oh well. He still asked. Strike Three. No garlic bread this time.

Inevitably, something falls off the cart on the way out. I can’t imagine why. Maybe it’s because they stack the bags in the cart like they’re stacking Jenga pieces. Thank you unnamed Grocery store chain. You’re doing a great job!

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If life worked like Warcraft…

Posted by on Mar 1, 2006 in Uncategorized

I’m addicted to the World of Warcraft, one of those massive-multiplayer-online PC games like Everquest. I often wonder how different the real world would be if it ran on a Warcraft Server – if our world operated the same way as it does in the video game.

  • There are no prisons. Anyone caught breaking the law will be dealt with quickly and efficiently. They won’t be allowed to drain the taxpayer’s money with lengthy appeals. They won’t spend their life getting three hot meals a day, exercise and a healthy sexual lifestyle. in the World of Warcraft they will simply be “Deleted: for violating the Terms of Use.”
  • All races get along. They have banded together against a common enemy known as the Horde. The Horde is like Al Qaida, only rational.
  • All natural resources replenish themselves every five minutes. For example: If I mine for silver and completely tap out the vein, I only need to wait five minutes to start mining it again. Bye bye foreign oil dependency!
  • There is no need to poop, pee, eat or drink unless you want to.
  • There are no bathrooms anywhere. Watch your step.
  • I am rewarded for killing others.
  • If I get killed, my spirit regenerates at the nearest cemetery where I simply need to find my corpse in order to come back to life. If somebody hides my corpse while I’m trying to locate it, I’m pretty much screwed.
  • There is always someone within earshot yelling “LEROY JENKINS!”. As a response to this, you will hear one person laughing and one person saying “That’s not funny anymore.” If you are not familiar with the “Leroy Jenkins” reference, you will not function well in society. This two-word phrase has replaced the words “Hello” and “How are you?” in everyday life.
  • You can’t walk anywhere without someone asking for spare silver.
  • 90% of the hot chicks you meet are not actually female.
  • No, the hot chick you had cyber-sex with was not one of the 10%. Sorry dude.
  • There are a LOT of lazy people. Most townfolk will give you a “Quest” to perform for them. This might include, go to the liquor store and buy me some beer, cigarettes and a nudy magazine. If you accept then you’ll be pissed off when you get to the liquor store and find that there’s already a line 200 people deep waiting to do the exact same “Quest.”
  • The “Socially Awkward” shall rule the world. Darwin’s Theory has been discredited by the world’s top scientist – SpockKirkScotty13.
  • If you’re twelve years old and a Priest asks you to join him for some “adventures in a cave”, it’s usually safe. However, if he wants to take you camping, respectfully decline and run like hell.
  • Every Tuesday morning, the world is shut down for maintenance. This is the time to do your bills, bathe, come out of your mother’s basement, or just relax and remind yourself what the sun looks like.
  • Sexual activity is complicated. The best-selling book “Joy of Warcraft Sex” offers these helpful tips:

    The male should equip himself with the Cape of Stamina and the Cod-piece of the Horse prior to any sexual activity. He should also have the Potion of Invisibility handy in case a quick exit becomes necessary.

    Most importantly, he should always remember to drink the Elixir of Blindness before attempting penetration. In the event that the Elixir of Blindness wears off during intercourse, he must close his eyes and ask the female to kindly drink the Potion of Invisibility. Otherwise, he may come to find out that the big-breasted female he brought home with him is really a 300 pound unwashed computer programmer from Detroit with five day’s growth and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth.

    • ——-

    This is also posted on Fanboy Planet in a much nicer format.

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